What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 18:42
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My life is so biszare .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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I was very sick at this time too.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But it wasn’t much.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I never cut or harmed myself..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why do unattractive men assume that a pretty woman like me want them?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Comes on , in middle age.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
How do you go about getting invited to an orgy?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i do to all so called friends.?
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She was in good health!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She loved him until the end.
Ive learnt so much.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We were not on the streets..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I could never make a relationship work though!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I will be 64.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He knew the spot.
My family never makes their pension either.
This is soul school!.
I waited trembling.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Put me off passion for life!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was 9 years of age.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im still living with it.
I write beautiful poetry .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
What did i know ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One cannot live in the past .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He resisted the act ,that day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She found it foreign!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She wouldn,t have been !
We all went to grammer schools
I have no regrets .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was seconnd youngest,
It was going to be , some day.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So whats the point in blame.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Who then, do I blame.?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Would this be the day?
So, i spoilt her more .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But, we were locked up after school.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She married twice! .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I don,t even have a pension.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I said to her
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
When she asked me how she looked .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I think the readers, may guess!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And i lived it daily.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was scared of men, in general
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
All the time i was locked up.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.